I too long for fall. There are some things I like about summer - the garden, the fresh produce, fireflies and butterflies and the sound of insects at night - but on the whole, I prefer cooler weather.
----
And on a totally unrelated note, I'm still struggling with this, so I'm going to throw it out there -
Is anyone else still struggling/conflicted/upset with/by difficult emotions related to people you "lost" during covid?
People who I didn't see for over two years because they were cowering in terror over the coof keep reaching out to me and wanting to chat, get together, have lunch, what have you. These aren't people I actually fought with, mainly because when they went cootie-crazy I just went dark. Most of them probably assumed I was on board with their cootie mania and subsequent jabapalooza, and have no idea where I stand (or how Unclean I am) because I never argued with them, just avoided them. (Sometimes I think maybe I should have spoken out, but I guess I have avoidant rather than confrontational coping mechanisms, probably due in part to my own upbringing where arguing with a crazy family never helped, so I stopped trying and just plotted my escape.) Back away, not today was my default.
I'm not even mad at these people, I just don't see the point of reconnecting. I have a smaller circle of newer friends who I was able to actually SEE back in 2020-2021, and who never cared about my medical history. I've moved on.
But it feels weird. Sometimes I can't believe that I was friends with these people for SO LONG, but never really knew them. I know that if I came out and told them why I've been ghosting them, they'd think that I was the one who'd gone crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I AM crazy, to want to cut ties with people I was close to for, in some case, going on 3 decades. But when I think about "reconnecting" with them, I just feel weary and disinterested. Coming across old photos of us together feels like looking at someone else's life.
The issues isn't whether or not to reconnect - I know, deep down, that I don't want to, and Kimberly's Ogham has confirmed as much. But at the same time, I feel like I'm going through something like mourning, only I can't really talk to anyone about it, and there is a lack of closure. And, of course, the constant wondering if maybe I'm crazy to still be so upset by what I witnessed, when everyone else seems to have "moved on". I suspect that I may in fact be processing something akin to subtle trauma.
Anyhow, just wondering if anyone else out there still feels anything similar, and how you've been handling it.
I have learned to accept there is no such thing as closure with old relationships, even when you do a cut and clear on them. The emotions pop up from time to time, shame often being a primary one, and I have to deal with them. The Coof thing was weird because it taught me that the sort of person I used to like and trust -- artsy, bohemian, smart, articulate, and edgy -- can often be the most toxic of Stalinists. I was especially disgusted to see supposedly peace-loving hippies get on board with Covidmania. As a vegan, I find I have almost no tolerance for other vegans in general because they went for the quaxx narrative despite Fauci's crew being outed as a bunch of animal-torturing sickos. I don't feel anyone who got the quaxx understood they were completely reneging on veganism when they got it. For what it's worth, I find that my solitary hikes in forest preserves are very healing.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-07-08 10:01 pm (UTC)I too long for fall. There are some things I like about summer - the garden, the fresh produce, fireflies and butterflies and the sound of insects at night - but on the whole, I prefer cooler weather.
----
And on a totally unrelated note, I'm still struggling with this, so I'm going to throw it out there -
Is anyone else still struggling/conflicted/upset with/by difficult emotions related to people you "lost" during covid?
People who I didn't see for over two years because they were cowering in terror over the coof keep reaching out to me and wanting to chat, get together, have lunch, what have you. These aren't people I actually fought with, mainly because when they went cootie-crazy I just went dark. Most of them probably assumed I was on board with their cootie mania and subsequent jabapalooza, and have no idea where I stand (or how Unclean I am) because I never argued with them, just avoided them. (Sometimes I think maybe I should have spoken out, but I guess I have avoidant rather than confrontational coping mechanisms, probably due in part to my own upbringing where arguing with a crazy family never helped, so I stopped trying and just plotted my escape.) Back away, not today was my default.
I'm not even mad at these people, I just don't see the point of reconnecting. I have a smaller circle of newer friends who I was able to actually SEE back in 2020-2021, and who never cared about my medical history. I've moved on.
But it feels weird. Sometimes I can't believe that I was friends with these people for SO LONG, but never really knew them. I know that if I came out and told them why I've been ghosting them, they'd think that I was the one who'd gone crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I AM crazy, to want to cut ties with people I was close to for, in some case, going on 3 decades. But when I think about "reconnecting" with them, I just feel weary and disinterested. Coming across old photos of us together feels like looking at someone else's life.
The issues isn't whether or not to reconnect - I know, deep down, that I don't want to, and Kimberly's Ogham has confirmed as much. But at the same time, I feel like I'm going through something like mourning, only I can't really talk to anyone about it, and there is a lack of closure. And, of course, the constant wondering if maybe I'm crazy to still be so upset by what I witnessed, when everyone else seems to have "moved on". I suspect that I may in fact be processing something akin to subtle trauma.
Anyhow, just wondering if anyone else out there still feels anything similar, and how you've been handling it.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-08 11:40 pm (UTC)