Kiki's Death

[kimberlysteele]

My little love Kiki died this afternoon at approximately 1pm. She was fifteen years old. After a dramatic episode as described in my previous post, we found a qualified pet euthanasia specialist called Peaceful Endings for Pets. The veterinarian was discreet, kind, and most importantly, extremely skilled. Kiki's death was peaceful and smooth thanks to the veterinarian's expertise. Nevertheless, it took 45 minutes and enough anesthetic to put down a large dog to put Kiki to sleep.

The part that tortures me is how badly Kiki wanted to live. She did not want to leave me, no matter how she retched whenever she tried to relax, how bloated and constipated she felt, or how bad her thirst grew, or how her throat burned and her teeth rotted from vomiting.

Kiki was never aloof. She acted more like a dog than a cat. We had a bond that was love at first sight from the first days at the shelter. It never waned. I poured every bit of frustrated childless person mother instinct into loving her and in return, I was her sun and moon. Due to the nature of my job, my husband has always arrived home from work before I do. She regularly sensed when I was coming home 20 minutes before I arrived, despite my erratic schedule, and yowled. When I got to the door, she was usually waiting. It was only in the last year she didn't constantly greet me at the door, and that was because she was resting or sleeping. She lived on my shoulder. "Kiki is the cat you wear" was my favorite joke.

The last three days have been unmitigated hell. The buildup to today's mercy killing was heart-rending. I vacillated many times. I did not want this creature to die, despite my deep faith that she would be received by spirit guides and helped by gods throughout her death journey.

I am incredibly grateful for the prayers sent to me. I don't think I would have any peace without them. This event made me realize why atheists kill themselves. When I adopted Kiki from the shelter fifteen years ago, I was atheist. I don't know that I would have survived this event as a nihilist atheist -- basically I would be alive only because I have people who would be upset by my death.

I didn't want to leave Kiki alone for a single moment in the last 3 days. I plopped her down on some towels tub-side when I bathed, sat her on her perch while I exercised, and ate pizza in bed brought to me by my husband because she had fallen asleep on my legs.

The episode with Welcome Waggin' gave me a poisonous, fleeting hope that it would be OK if I allowed Kiki to die more naturally. Late last night, I woke up tormented by a voice that said "Why micromanage her death so much? Can't you just call it off? In a less luxurious, less industrialized age, in-home pet euthanasia wouldn't be possible. She just wants to live." This voice haunted me several times.

Kiki arrived at the point of her illness where she could no longer sleep. She stared a thousand yard stare. When she started to drift off, her gag reflex would jerk her back to consciousness. She wanted to eat the food laid out for her but she would smell it and her gag reflex would activate. Nevertheless, there was still a small hope that I could heal her with herbs, maybe subsisting off of slippery elm and chicken broth, or at least this is what I told myself. It was only because of two photos I took of Kiki yesterday that I was able to resist the voice urging me to prolong her life. The pictures were worth a thousand words. Having taken literally thousands of pictures of her in her life, I saw the defeat and sadness in the last ones. I saw pain and suffering. I saw a being who was only hanging in there because she didn't want our time together to be over. I knew then that prolonging her life was selfish. I was fortunate to schedule her veterinary appointment in time to avoid even more suffering. This experienced has been a crucible: physically, emotionally, and spiritually agonizing. I was somewhere between Maiden and Matron when I adopted Kiki, but now I am fully the Crone; Gandalf the White.

My husband buried Kiki by one of the baby oaks in the late afternoon. This fall, I will start planting a garden of black flowers around Kiki's grave and the oak.

There will never be a day that will go by when I will not miss Kiki terribly. I look forward to my own death someday because I will finally get to be with her again. There are many questions I have for the gods, such as how she will reincarnate, and if she knows how much I have second guessed my decision and how sorry I am if it was the wrong choice. Thank you for your prayers and your words of encouragement for me for Kiki. They have been my salvation.

 

Kiki and I when we were both a lot younger and thinner.

Comments

[tamanous2020]

My total sympathy for your loss Kim. May the gods watch over her journey and that they comfort you in these hard times.

Tamanous

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you so much, Tamanous.

[cutekitten]

I grieve with you. Losing a good pet is as hard as losing a person.

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you. It has been tough. I'm grateful for my Ecosophian friends.

prayers

[randomactsofkarmasc]

Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing. I've had to make the decision twice. The first time, I waited too long. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't feel guilty for loving her and not wanting her to go. That's what love is.

Re: prayers

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you. At the end, it was a battle of wills: hers against mine. She wanted me to keep her going until the bitter, bitter end and I wasn't having it.

[illyria2001]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you Illyria.

[(Anonymous)]

Kimberly, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you will cross paths with your dear KiKi again, either in the afterlife, or in a future incarnation.

Joy Marie

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you Joy Marie. When I got Kiki as a kitten, I was a materialist atheist -- I'm glad I took the blinders off within her lifetime. It has helped.

[lp9]

I'm so sorry, Kimberly. I will pray for Kiki during this transition and I know you two will meet again next time around.

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you LP.

[mollari]

You and Kiki are in my prayers as well. May the gods guide her to as good an afterlife as the life she just finished, and may they help you find peace in this difficult time.

[kimberlysteele]

The prayers have helped a great deal. I'm not feeling quite as bad as yesterday thanks to them.

[mollari]

Losing a loved one is never easy, but I'm happy to hear that you're feeling at least a little better.

[(Anonymous)]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you'll be able to remember all the love and good times without any shadow over them. Blessings upon Kiki; may her journey to the Otherworld be easy, and may she find healing, peace, and happiness there.

--Sister Crow

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you Sister Crow.

My condolences

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry to hear this. May the Gods give you relief and Kiki a good and smooth journey to the other side.
Edu

Re: My condolences

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you, Edu.

[(Anonymous)]

I’m sorry for your loss.

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you. It was a little easier today.

[realmscryer]

Kimberly, I am sorry to hear about your Kiki. Years ago I sat with and comforted my childhood dog as he was delivered from his pain. You will see Kiki again. My Caspar comes to me in dreams now and then. The bond is real and transcends death.

—Eric

[(Anonymous)]

I’m sorry not to have offered my condolences before now.

I wanted to say that I read and took this in; I bore witness, and I appreciate and honor the strength it took to make the heart-rending decision to let go. Kiki was blessed to have such a loving mother, who put her needs before her own.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm so sorry about Kiki. Losing a pet is hard and having to face the cruelty of the branch covidians at the same time is doubly awful. My cat got extra treats today for Kiki, which she deserved as the summer heat seems to have slimmed her down anyway. My extended family had two pets, a dog and a cat, enter their terminal decline in a brief window in which pet owners were allowed to attend their animal's euthanasia where I live. And so, we were able to be with our pets, a 13 year old beagle and a 14 year old cat as they died.

Regarding industrial civilization, the cat's death was sudden - she had a heart attack and was rushed to the vet to end it. I wish had the inner strength to have just smashed my cat's head with a rock, which would have been objectively kinder than making her endure one last car ride while having congestive heart failure. Of course, I couldn't do that, that was too horrifying, so my cat had to suffer for half an hour until I could get her a lethal dose of painkillers.

[solarfed]

So sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you and Kiki.

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you, I deeply appreciate it.

Sympathy

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not a regular reader but saw your link on Ecosophia. What a wonderful, lovely cat Kiki was. My now-late spouse and I lost our dearest little friend last September. She took a sudden severe downturn, in severe pain, falling and unable to eat, and we took her to the emergency vet. Fortunately, when they agreed that euthanasia was right, they let us both into the building masked to sit with her and hold her. I was grateful. That wasn't totally zero-risk for them, but it would have been so cruel if neither of us could go in, that I don't believe we would have let them do it. It was quick and easy and she's with Bastet now - or maybe, now, with her daddy. I hope to see her again someday, as you, I hope, will be reunited with Kiki. What wonderful creatures cats can be.

Re: Sympathy

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you. It's so hard to do what is right in those cases, and of course I believe euthanasia is the right thing to do. Kiki didn't eat or poop for a four week period -- it's amazing she survived. Cats aren't supposed to be able to survive a few days without food. She had eaten a bit in the final month and then went a week without eating again before the euthanasia. I pray to Bast every day and I'll ask her to look after your baby. I know Kiki is with one of the goddesses I pray to, which has put my heart greatly at ease. Now I realize why I was suicidal as an atheist. The suicidal thoughts began for me as a teen when grandma died.