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kimberlysteele"Envy, if surrounded on all sides by the brightness of another's prosperity, like the scorpion contained within a circle of fire, will sting itself to death."
-Charles Caleb Colton
Of all the Deadly Sins, I think it can be safely argued that Envy is the most suicidal. It isn't possible to be happy when you strive to possess what others possess, because envy ensures that they will always seem better off than you, whether it is true or not. Envy makes for interesting characters: Medea, Othello, Scarlett O'Hara; interesting and also doomed.
Our culture is beset by envy: how better to drive masses of people to hyperconsume stuff they don't need? Advertising depends upon our envious natures to get us to bite. Envy is rooted deep in the subconscious, whispering in our ears that we are inferior and ugly, but if we had what she has, we could get a leg up once and for all...
Celebrities
There used to be a television series called Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous hosted by Robin Leach. Those who watched the show remember the infamous intro. Between Leach's annoying, nasal squawks, a more radio ready voice croons "Your host is Robin Leach, who circles the world to bring you the stories people will never stop talking about." Imagine the arrogance it took to create such a tagline, spoken against the backdrop of cheesy aspirational orchestral muzak and shots of tacky McMansions, Rolls Royces, and polo tournaments. The content of the series was a vacuous parade of soon-to-be has been celebrities, tours of their metastasized homes, and mini-documentaries of their extravagant purchasing habits. The premise was that their lives would never get any worse and their obscene wealth would continue into perpetuity. The series did not age well, and I suspect future historians will show it to college students who will laugh to disguise their abject horror at their forefather's and foremother's superficiality, materialism, and outright denial of the inevitable deindustrial future.
If those college students were to ask me as a centenarian if the people who used to watch Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous were happy, I would answer a definitive NO and add that the people creating and starring on the show were equally unhappy. I would point out another piece of media, this one closer to their era, in the form of The Greatest Showman, a bizarre movie musical biopic loosely based upon the life and times of American huckster P.T. Barnum. The overly-autotuned music and themes of The Greatest Showman revolve around grandiose notions of limitlessness and its personal counterpart, walloping egomania. The P.T. Barnum character is introduced to us as a child of modest means in puppy love with his neighborhood contemporary, Charity Hallett. Charity is from a rich family, and the title track of the musical speaks to the nuclear family they will build along with a gigantic, extremely McMansion-ish house and the limitlessness of their greatness as adults. Another key song in the film is Never Enough, sung by a highly fictionalized Jenny Lind, who does her best to seduce P.T. Barnum away from his plainer wife. Side characters Phillip and Anne, part of P.T. Barnum's entourage, put on display the class tensions so obviously harped upon by the film in tiresome repetition. The themes at work in The Greatest Showman are envy in the form of class warfare and the conspicuous consumption necessary to achieve American Dream: the idea that each one of us can and must be the very best and risk it all to achieve unrealistic and lofty goals.
I would then point the college students (yeah I'm done with them yet) to the 2020 TikTok hit Heather, where a young man says "kinda wish she were dead" when the male object of his affections is enchanted by a young woman named Heather. Heather is the high school version of resignation and disingenuous humility that is the aftermath of envy. The envious one slinks back to his empire of warm, comforting hatred, crafted by years of focused bitterness.
The Sycophant
Envy not only eats our material earnings, it devours and hollows us from the inside. Often, envy will roost in the psyche masquerading as humility. Such was the case of Yolanda Saldívar, a nurse who befriended rising Tejano pop star Selena Quintanilla-Pérez by shoehorning her way into the family's circle by becoming president of Selena's burgeoning fan club. Saldívar was caught embezzling and fatally shot Selena when gently confronted by the younger woman. Saldívar is currently serving her prison sentence for murder and will be eligible for parole in 2025. Saldívar's envy was of one of the classic types so common nowadays, the kind that is a demented sort of love for the envied person, who "has it all" in comparison to the envier. The celebrity worshipper loses their own identity in the process of envying the celebrity, and quickly falls into a state of hating the celebrity, often enough to murder them. Of course murdering the subject of one's envy makes matters worse: the victim is canonized as a saint.
The Opposite of Envy: Rejection
The other side of envy's imbalance is Rejection. Envy is exhausting and hollowing, and one predictable reaction to it is to swing to a polar opposite of envy to a state of passionate disdain. Our much-belabored celebrities are useful subjects with which to demonstrate this phenomenon, because they are quickly going from a universally loved to universally hated status as we speak, in real time. Pedogate is a form of arrogant rejection of that envy. Believing that all celebrities are complicit in Satanic cabals who drink infant blood and eat feces is a way of replacing envy with equally toxic assumptions that the once-envied person is hideously inferior to oneself. It doesn't matter that such vile accusations cannot be proven; all that is needed is for the emptiness of envy to be replenished by junk beliefs in the evilness of the once-beloved celebrity. On top of this is the frenetic insistence that one's own life record is blameless and innocent because one has at least not engaged in Satanic baby sacrifice. In essence, there is a refusal to see the good in another person because that would require honestly dealing with one's own inferiority complex, whereas envy is a poisoned form of love that cloaks hatred in pining for the unattainable perfection of the envied Other.
Admiration: The Happy Medium
In between the two extremes of Envy and Rejection lies Admiration, a healthy state that says "You do you, I'll do me, and what makes us different makes us complementary, not competitors. This sort of acceptance leaves room for one's own faults so they can be worked on instead of dissonantly projected on to someone else. By standing back and admiring someone without wishing we could be them, we shed the Piscean idea that we must all fit the same mold or climb a pre-ordained pyramid in a dog eat dog, winner takes all series of playoffs. Instead of seeking a state of Borg hive homogeny and secretly adopting the Highlander's statement that "there can be only one", we accept that everyone should be free to do their own thing. This includes not shooting someone out of jealousy or rounding up the elites into concentration camps because one believes their entire class of people engages in Satanic pedophilia.
Admiration acknowledges that this world is unjust and that some people have opportunities than others, but it does not seek to paper over the differences or unduly celebrate mediocrity. Admiration is about finding the good in someone who differs from you and using that commonality to become friends, and if friendship is not possible, to at least tolerate each other and maintain enough distance where each party can live their own lives. I once said to one of my students, "If you want to be accepted for who you are, you've got to accept your friend for who he is." Energy does not happen in a vacuum and all of what we put out comes back to us. That's why all of us, myself included, need to work on letting go of fixation with other people, recognize what we are best at, and take ourselves to task for our own personal shortcomings, for we live in a big world that is only as small as you want to make it.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-18 08:28 pm (UTC)Rejection= Sour grapes. Aesop knew what he was talking about ;)
I have, over and over, encountered these weird television shows (mostly in medical waiting rooms-- apparently it's considered non-controversial and broadly appealing) that feature "normal" people shopping for houses, or remodeling houses. Inevitably, they're like "oh, our budget is only $500k so we'll have to be frugal!" and then they end up spending $650k "because it was worth it"... and I have spent a long time wondering about the target market for these shows. How much of the US population has that much money to throw around? No way are they the audience! Clearly the audience for these shows is... aspirational. People who will never have that kind of money, but like to imagine what they'd do with it if they did. Fantasy real-estate TV. Monetizing envy. That can't be healthy.
I have seen the illustration that the right attitude to have is centered around beauty and true humility: that you should want to make and contribute to beautiful things-- whether it's a garden, a chair, a song, a symphony, a cathedral... But one's attitude to the thing made should be admiration such that... the admiration would be the same whether you created it, or someone else created it. In Christianity, this is expressed roughly, as "all things for the glory of God". By working toward that ideal, one defeats envy, covetousness, pride, vainglory...
Yes!
Date: 2020-11-18 10:21 pm (UTC)Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 03:55 pm (UTC)Those granite countertops are starting to show up at the local salvage store. I've been wracking my brain trying to think of ways they might be re-purposed. So far, nothing comes to mind. Ditto those wacky asymmetrical compartment sinks.
When we moved into our current place, it was bare walls. No cabinets, no counters, no sink... just the outlets and plumbing hookups. While we worked on it, I was thinking about those shows, and running a sort of narrator monologue in my head "Ethyl and her family have a budget of $300 for this kitchen, and they need to move in tomorrow..." It is the best kitchen ever, because my brother and I built it out of 2x4s, and made the counters a bit low. I am a short person, and now I have a short-person kitchen and it is fantastic. I picked up another 2 feet of countertop the last time I went to the salvage store, and plan to make it into an even-lower section for kneading dough on (rubs hands together). My brother and I now joke about starting our own redneck remodeling show all about how to get the kitchen you need on a budget of July snowflakes and jackalope hides. We could be a YouTube hit! ;)
Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 05:05 pm (UTC)I need to dig up the photos of our kitchen, before and after. As I have mentioned, our house is teeny tiny. We moved in five years ago (give or take). The former owners neglected the place to say the least, mostly because they were going through a horrible divorce at the time. The place was a wreck. If it wasn't for my husband being the handiest of the handy, it would still be a wreck. Even now, with all of the massive improvements he has poured into the place along with my decorating, we say of it "this house is a piece of s**t but it's our piece of s**t". My husband did sooo much here... shoring up parts of the basement, reinforcing the porch, painting, drywall, mud, and tape in the attic, light fixtures, plumbing, electrical, the porch, landscaping that hilariously belongs in BH & G despite the modesty/smallness of the house. The kitchen island, built from $7 of new materials and two old bookshelves...
I love the idea of a short person kitchen. I'm short as well and I'm always getting out the stepladder and climbing. I make jokes to my students, especially the taller ones, about owning their tallness because some of us will never be so fortunate to reach the high shelf. I think most of us are good and tired of HGTV's aspirational doofus shows and their flagrant waste of money and resources. If you ever make your own Youtube show, let me know, because I'll be the first subscriber!
Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 07:44 pm (UTC)Our current kitchen, that my brother and I built has a metal sink we got at the salvage store, a new (but very budget) faucet, set in 8 feet of the cheapest formica countertop available at Home Depot, all set on a stand made of 2x4s, with open shelves underneath. And an old public-school media cart (you know the ones they used to roll in the projectors on) that we also a salvage find. It works. And when you cook every single meal at home, that's what matters! I've had a tile countertop before, and... ack! I broke so many dishes on that thing. Marble's pretty, but man, all those stone countertops... do they have plastic dishes?
Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 08:28 pm (UTC)LOL yeah I guess you'd have to have plastic dishes or just eat straight out of the takeout containers. The old cart sounds super cool.
I'll have to put some photos of my house up at some point and explain what we did to it. The couch is a thrift store Lazy Boy -- actually, come to think of it, there is not a piece of truly new furniture in the place. Even the bookshelves moved with us from apartment to storage (when we were at my parents house) to finally land in their forever home.
Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 08:30 pm (UTC)Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 10:40 pm (UTC)I remember planning my wedding in the early 2000s and connecting with other women on online forums like TheKnot, which then rolled over into LiveJournal as those women started buying houses and having children. I vividly remember deleting all my accounts and leaving (probably around 2006) because I just couldn't stand the over-the-top consumerism from the wedding dresses to the suburban McMansion to work clothes then baby gear. I'm pretty frugal and we were poor students at that time and I felt viscerally ill watching the money flow. All those people are, I imagine, now upgrading to two-tone kitchens with marble countertops in their even bigger house.
I don't know if this is a Midwestern/Appalachian thing, or a class thing, but my immediate reaction to a compliment on an item is to explain how cheaply I got it. I would love an HGTV show about how little you can spend.
Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 10:45 pm (UTC)Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 11:21 pm (UTC)I'm somewhat glad COVID killed the wedding industry. Though I think it's stupid that the salary class has pulled all of the current shenanigans in order to extend lockdowns, not realizing that they've shot themselves in both feet and will not fare well in the Depression they are about to cause, there is a silver lining to the clouds in that the Big Wedding industry is finished. You can't have a giant wedding when you've erected COVIDland all around you and insist that everyone must stay home forever out of fear.
Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-20 12:01 am (UTC)Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-20 01:00 am (UTC)Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-20 02:38 am (UTC)Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-21 01:05 am (UTC)A year or so later, Kate Middleton and Prince Whatsisname got married, and wonder of wonders! Wedding dresses could be purchased with sleeves again! I remember feeling so relieved, even though I was not in the market anymore.
Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-20 09:16 pm (UTC)Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-20 10:15 pm (UTC)Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 10:44 pm (UTC)Props to a fellow-traveler, then! I'm pretty sure the only new furniture I've ever bought in my life has been the baby's high chair (IKEA, $20, and I'd already scoured the kids' consignments and found zilch), and our bed (minimalist wood frame that we assembled ourselves). No two chairs in my house are alike, and most of my furniture comes from the nearest ReStore. I could replace my car for what some people will pay for a new couch!
And seriously, I have little boys. As much as I would love to have a few pieces of beautiful handmade artisan furniture, I'm not going to spend the next ten years guarding it with a flaming sword to keep the kids from destroying it. Bad enough spending all day rescuing books from the toddler! Maybe when I'm fifty...
Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 10:46 pm (UTC)Re: Yes!
Date: 2020-11-19 11:27 pm (UTC)Pretty much, and I only have a cat and I feel the same way. I actually kind of hate precious furniture. About 20 years ago, I played some Christmas piano pieces at an 1800s restored museum mansion in Naperville. The hosts nearly lost it when I sat on an antique bench by accident because they provided no chairs for me or my students. I weighed 105 pounds at the time. They were also tyrannical about the type of pieces played: NO JAZZ! NO POP! NO NEW AGE! Only traditional hymn arrangements of Christmas tunes... "Um, these are 12 year old kids and it's not 1958, they have other hobbies than playing the piano..."
no subject
Date: 2020-11-19 03:09 am (UTC)The last time I was at her house (1000 sq ft with 3 humans and a hoard), the episode she was watching was the monthly episode where the British family sits down for two hours and opens the presents that their fans from around the world send them. These people have a tv contract, own and live in a literal castle, have a Patreon that earns $10k/month, but people still send them a horse stall (that's where they store them) full of gifts every month, too, many worth thousands of dollars. Antiques, statues, paintings - things to decorate the palace with - and clothing for the entire extended family.
Obviously, some are designers and artists trying to get their stuff on air, and that's how these social media/reality tv shows and artists go round, but the rest are just... fans who want to fantasize about something they chose ending up in a luxurious place where they themselves can never afford to go, or that they have the tastes that are compatible with such a lifestyle, but that they literally couldn't fit inside their own home. My friend said they send money out of gratitude that these people "open their homes to us" and entertain us. It's a strange mutualistic symbiosis built on envy, or a degraded form of the urge to "contribute to beautiful things".
*until she got a job again when her daughter went to kindergarten. Baby steps on no more tv, working at the dollar store you spend all your income on junk at...
no subject
Date: 2020-11-19 05:14 pm (UTC)As for your friend and her habits, how sad. At least the TV is off!