Confrontation

[kimberlysteele]

I have slow-reaction syndrome. I don’t do well with confrontation because I usually don’t realize I am being confronted. For instance, over the weekend I went to the UPS Store to drop off a pre-paid package. In an ideal world, I would have waited in line, gone up to the counter, and handed the nice young man or woman my package. Once they scanned my package, the young person would hand me a receipt and say “There you go, have a nice day, ma’am” and I would have been on my merry way. Instead, as I stood in line this weekend at the UPS Store, I was making pleasant chit-chat with the masked customers who were packed like sardines beside me (so much for social distancing) and a voice rang over the customers’ heads.

Miss Mask: YOU HAVE TO WEAR A MASK IN HERE!
Me: No, I don't.
Miss Mask: YES YOU DO! I don't have to serve you! You have to put on a mask!
Me: No, I do not. You are discriminating against me per the Americans with Disabilities Act. Should I go get the paperwork?
Miss Mask: I AM NOT SERVING YOU.
Me, in my best projected singing voice: NO SALE.

With that epithet, I about-faced and walked out of the store, never to return again.

I barely realized what had happened until I got to my car outside the store. That’s the problem with delayed-reaction syndrome. I had been on autopilot while in the store. It’s much like being in shock. I find being confronted extremely unpleasant, and my reality tends to go fuzzy and milky while it’s happening, like some kind of protective buffer, only to re-focus and crash afterwards.

My first emotion upon getting into my car was vitriolic anger. Dealing appropriately with my anger, I am convinced, is part of my karma in this lifetime. My anger isn’t normal and never has been normal. Maybe it is because it doesn’t set in right away until I realize what has happened; honestly I am not sure, but my anger is never proportionate to the situation. It is always excessive. To be honest, it would not bother me if a terrible fate befell Miss Mask. I won’t go into detail — you can read my novels for that — but I could easily watch as Miss Mask suffered without lifting a finger to help her. The main difference now is I don’t get busy wishing harm on her. The old me would have wished harm on her. The old me would have had more than the usual amount of success achieving the desired end: it’s easy to think harm in to being, or at least it is for me. Nowadays, I let the gods sort that out, and that does require a form of patience I didn’t used to possess.

As we near the holidays, we pass into a second year where many of us have acted as human firewalls of will standing between loved ones who want to endanger other loved ones with experimental MRNA injections. How many of us have lost good friends, spouses, and relatives to injection madness? I recently found out that a friend of a friend got her first injection while four weeks pregnant. This person had every opportunity to obtain real information about the dangers of the Covid injections. She will probably get another injection and a booster as per the “rules”. Knowing what we do about pregnant women and the shots, if she brings the child to term without any complications, it will be a genuine miracle. Another has withheld the company of a grandchild from his grandparents because they aren’t willing to jab and booster up. The grandchild has received at least two shots and will likely be getting boosters soon. Every day I hear of a new and sickening way of excluding normal people like myself from society. In Austria, the ones who refuse are prevented from working or shopping, just like Jews who didn’t have the right papers in 1943. In Australia, they are shunted off to internment camps. In Canada, they are being fired and forced onto the dole.

At every turn, the socially anxious are being turned out into the open arena of confrontation. We are in the Coliseum and it is trial by fire. I would like to be one of those people who just blows it off, who laughs at Karen and doesn’t make much of her bad intentions. Instead, I have to suppress the undeniable urge to gut Karen like a fish approximately ten minutes after she has gotten in my face. Never has it been more crucial for us to laugh at Karen, as laughter is the only thing that can defeat her sort of toxic femininity, and of course I don’t mean laughing as I see her flop in front of me, begging for mercy. I am saying we have to mock Karen even as she swallows the key to our prison cell. We have to meme her with a shard of charcoal on our last piece of paper though she has taken our computers away. We have to chortle, giggle, and pshaw at her and never give her the satisfaction of besting us, because unlike her, we will never sell our souls.

Comments

Oh, Karen.

[(Anonymous)]

Kimberly,

Over the summer I stopped at a fast food place while running errands. The tables weren't roped off, no signs in view, so I decided to eat inside rather than get crumbs in my car. Midway through my meal a woman behind the counter yelled across the restaurant "You can't eat in here!!!". Everyone turned to stare at me. Her tone implied I was doing something massively improper and disgusting rather than eating in a place that sold food. I picked up and left but couldn't help thinking, Why? She could have just *said* something like "Sorry, but people aren't allowed to eat in here right now". The rule is stupid and arbitrary but here we are. I'm trying to minimize my exposure to crazy Karens. I'm sorry you got yelled at by one of them too. I really wish we lived in a society where civility was considered important.

Chris in VT

[(Anonymous)]

If you insist on living in blue, I'd pace yourself, because it's only going to get worse.

You might consider relocating to red. We don't wear masks here.

[prayergardens]

Yes, I am also slowly being removed from society and I vacillate between anger and the-beginning-stages of forgiveness. I am not sufficiently emotionally or morally advanced yet to be in full forgiveness!

I also went through a stage of extreme snark where I would think of all the biting things I could say and do to people but ultimately, I realized I have to leave that energy behind as well. (I thought of some real zingers if I say so!) It's not good for my karma...they can worry about their own.

I'm about halfway through Dion Fortune's Magical Battle of Britain and will put in a plug for it. So far, there have been numerous moments where I've said, "oh, that explains why I should move beyond the snark and seek another path." I still feel it but I'm working out how to proceed with people. Right now I'm in avoidance, which I don't advise, but I haven't found a path yet.

I admire your willingness to challenge the system! :)

[illyria2001]

The woman at the counter was enforcing the policy of the business she worked at, and would likely have been fired if she hadn't. She had no influence over that policy any more than any other employee has influence over their employer's policies. In the past it was "no shirt, no shoes, no service", and any employee who said "sure, come into this store barefoot" would not have been employed there much longer. It's not people wanting to be mean, it's about them wanting to feed their families. I don't know of anyone who can afford to lose their job these days.

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you, Kimberley. Thank you for your courage and for your fortitude. I know this is not easy. Where I'm living masks are the law, and generally taken seriously, so I can imagine, the energy coming at you must be funky intense.

I heard two instances of the same sort of thing recently in super-blue California. One was reported to me by someone who is, like me, of the nose-out-over-the-mask tribe. She was delighted that this man who was ahead of her in a long line at a meat counter refused to wear a mask. When the clerk gave him a hard time (similar to what happened to you), he said in a booming baritone, "CANCEL MY ORDER!" and walked out. My informant said she then stepped up to the cash register with her nose very out over her mask, and she was gratified to notice that the clerk dared say nothing about that.

A small victory.

These count.

The spell will break.

Again, THANK YOU.

Amber Crispy Termite

[methylethyl]

My sympathies. I too have always hated my slow processing ---> response time for any kind of personal interactions. I developed some extremely unhelpful coping mechanisms as a child, that I then had to spend *years* un-learning: i.e. I developed a handful of "automated" responses to make me sound polite and buy time while I figured out what had actually been said to me. Like automatically replying "OK" to anything that sounded remotely like a request. That got me into a lot of very uncomfortable situations where people got the impression I had agreed to something before I even knew what they said, and then got offended when I'd finally had time to consider it, and had to back out on the perceived "deal". The more emotionally-charged the situation is, the slower my response time. I suck at reading emotion, so that all has to be re-routed through intellectual analysis to make sense of it. It's a long detour.

If you're facing something like mask karens, it's helpful to script out a few possible scenarios before you walk into a place like the post office. Sounds like you may have done something similar here. You don't seem to have got flustered and mutely fled-- which is my basic response to such situations when I have not prepared in advance.

Re: Oh, Karen.

[kimberlysteele]

People like that remind me of the Bible quote "and they shall have their reward". Meaning, any satisfaction they get from being mean, petty hall monitors is of the instant kind. It also implies a darker karma that they step into when they act like that. Actions become character and character becomes destiny.

[kimberlysteele]

True enough! My family is here, so that's primarily why I stay. People have hopes that Pritzker will get thrown out of office but I have a feeling he won't. Blue state corruption and all. I may end up moving someday.

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you Prayergardens!

I wanted to share my malevolent thoughts about Karens just in case people thought I was too enlightened to have those thoughts. I am definitely not at the full forgiveness state with them either. I am at the "OK, I ignore you Karen and though I have nasty thoughts about the fate you probably deserve, I am not going to be acting on those thoughts on any plane."

I agree, the Magical Battle of Britain is a must-read. Isn't it funny with those snarky thoughts? Yes, I too have come up with some decimating zingers. Always 2 hours to 3 days afterward LOL.

[kimberlysteele]

Fair enough. Some are just following orders so they can survive, some are petty dictators who get off on it. From the reviews I have seen of that store, and from the sense I got while in there, she is of the latter variety. Of course I could be wrong.

[kimberlysteele]

I wish people would start Speakeasy networks in their areas, including in neo-Stalinist strongholds such as Australia. Maybe they are doing so and wisely keeping it undercover. Speakeasy is about encouraging our side. Where civil disobedience is possible, we do that. Where it is impossible, we find ways of ignoring the tyrants and quietly going around them.

[kimberlysteele]

Thank you. It's good to know other people go through what I went through. I too was socialized to say "OK" and it got me in worlds of trouble that took years and often DECADES to untangle. I do end up scripting my reactions. My NO SALE was a scripted response. I don't have the time or energy to serve these people with paperwork, so I should not have included that. One of my best coping mechanisms has been in admitting my anger and allowing myself to feel it without allowing it to take me for a ride as it did in the past. Nevertheless, my anger still leaves a mark and is hard to deal with. If I don't go into discursive meditation about it, it begins to pop up in other parts of my life.

[methylethyl]

Some regret about my initial hasty response there...

I think of the story of Moses and his speech impediment (or whatever his difficulty was), and in the New Testament where we're told not to worry about what we'll say in advance-- keep the faith, and God will give you the words (massive paraphrase).

I'd like to cultivate the habit of stopping a moment and praying for guidance in these situations. But the change proves monumentally difficult.

So even though I do a bit of scripting and rehearsing to preserve my own mental and emotional space, this is a kludgy an unsatisfactory solution: it's replying to an actual human being as though he or she is an automaton, and is more a reflection of my own deficiencies than a picture of what my response ought to be.

I think meditation is the start of a better approach. Prayer has a large role there. Someday, I hope we will reach a point where we don't need scripts, and we can instead reach out to the divine, and find the response that's needed: one where the divine spark in me can speak directly to the divine spark in the person who is angry. God knows how very far I am from that goal!

[(Anonymous)]

"I have slow-reaction syndrome. I don’t do well with confrontation because I usually don’t realize I am being confronted."

Ha, I'm the same way.

But--

"Me, in my best projected singing voice: NO SALE.

"With that epithet, I about-faced and walked out of the store, never to return again."

Sounds like you actually handled it as intended, even if it didn't feel good in the moment!

But--what did you do about the package?!? I just sent off all the cookies I baked for relatives, plus two boxes of non-food gifts for my nieces and nephew. I spent $100 to mail all those things. I'm getting second-hand mailing anxiety reading your story! Did you get your prepay back? Did you mail the package some other way? (Sorry, OT I know!)

[(Anonymous)]

I have a slow reaction time as well. Do you know why some people are like this? It makes life hard at times, but perhaps easier to appreciate certain things.

[kimberlysteele]

Thanks! It was the UPS Store, which has franchises all over my area. The next day, I went to another UPS Store and mailed it -- no harassment of me and my naked face.

[kimberlysteele]

In my case, I think it is a manifestation of autism. I believe myself to be a high-functioning autistic, based on some of my behaviors and thought patterns, especially when I was a child.

[(Anonymous)]

Kimberly, look into whether you have grounds to file an ADA-violation complaint against UPS. That’ll get their attention.

As would a civil suit. Especially if you win. (Though they’d most likely settle out of court.)

—Princess Cutekitten

[(Anonymous)]

I oftentimes wonder if a slow response to a verbal attack isn't perfectly normal-- and in the surprise and confusion of the moment perhaps most wise. The thing is, in our culture most of us have seen so many TV shows and movies where the hero or heroine has a zinger of a reply that, actually, isn't normal, it's highly-crafted scriptwriting for entertainment.

Love your blog, Kimberley. I really appreciate your writing on these subjects.

Maroon Transcendent Ruben Sandwich

[lp9]

Thank you for sharing. Based on your writing, I would never guess you react slowly! I tend to have that problem too, but in my case I think it's tied more to cowardice. I find confrontation (with people to whom I am not close) incredibly difficult and my default response is always to be accommodating and perceived as "good" and "nice." I am very sensitive to other people's emotional states and so I always aim to calm people down and make them feel happy--even if it means I am less than honest. Then I go home and rant and rave about how horrible or stupid people are or whatever. Clearly the current situation is an ongoing challenge! I really need to work on how NOT to be a coward when it comes to other people's opinions of me. My response so far has been to withdraw or to only engage selectively, when I know it will be well received. At some point (probably coming soon), this has to change though.

[methylethyl]

What Kimberly said. Asperger syndrome wasn't a diagnosis when I was a kid. If I had been born ten or fifteen years later, I might have been tagged with that label (though who knows? It is tougher for girls to get diagnosed with that). My husband really did get that dx, and now, of course... they have dropped it from the DSM, so it no longer exists. I guess that means we're totally normal ;)

[causticus]

It might be the dog-eat-dog survival instinct. By being the loudest and most obnoxious enforcer of company policies she's signalling that she's a more obedient and dutiful employee than her coworkers. This could come in handy for her when it comes time to layoff or fire workers.

[causticus]

I wish I could in my area, except I'm in introvert, rather reclusive these days, and I refuse to use Faceplant (I used to be addicted to it real bad). I have no idea how to bring up the idea with complete strangers I come across in public.

[kimberlysteele]

"I was just going along with local mandates" was the same excuse used by Stalinists and Maoists. I get it, we all have to survive, but at some point we all have to draw a line and declare what side we are on.

[kimberlysteele]

I loathe Faceplant! I have high hopes for Truth Social, but I am not holding my breath. I hope you are able to find a non-Faceplant underground group in your area.