kimberlysteele | Nurse with a Purse: The Growing Astral Problem of the Hospice Wife

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Nurse with a Purse: The Growing Astral Problem of the Hospice Wife

A middle aged woman recently went viral on TikTok for an innocuous Get Ready With Me video. For those unfamiliar with the genre, a Get Ready With Me video is a casually-presented opinion or bit of information given by the video’s creator while putting on makeup. The woman plainly stated she had every intention of remaining single for the rest of her natural life. Her main reason for remaining single was the poor quality of men in the dating pool and the fact that most men her age and older were looking for a hospice wife. “Hospice wife” is the newest term for a woman trapped in a marriage of convenience for the man. This commitment entails the typically-younger wife providing the kind of in-home care one would expect from a dedicated, live-in elder nurse. The “hospice” part implies the wife will care for her sickly husband until he dies.

Comments sections are always the most fascinating part of social media and this one did not disappoint. The video’s comment section was full of older women declaring how transcendently overjoyed they were to be living the single life after being widowed or divorcing their insufferable, middle aged husbands. Every ten or so comments repeated the snarky phrase “nurse with a purse” in reference to to the suckers who were stuck caring for their aging husbands. Every twenty or so comments featured a hospice wife bemoaning her dire situation.

This hit close home for me because my husband of a quarter century is nearly a decade and a half my senior. To add insult to injury, I have been the primary breadwinner of our modest household since the early 2010s. As someone in relatively good health who has never been alcoholic, an abuser of food, or drug addict prescription or otherwise, I seem to be set for a vigorous old age. He, on the other hand, has a debilitating suite of chronic health problems that cause constant pain. Some of his health problems are genetic, some are the logical result of an adventurous and well spent youth, and some he caused all by himself via stupid habits and decisions.

When my father was still alive, my parents represented a more traditional marriage arrangement. My mother worked a few years after she married my father in 1965. She was a switchboard operator in downtown Chicago and she was very good at it. It was her seed money that bought the beautiful house I grew up in. After us kids arrived on the scene, my father took on most of the financial burdens until the day he died in 2023.

The single, middle aged women of TikTok and elsewhere are a group of disappointed souls. Men have let them down and now they swear they are done with men. The truth is that marriage — especially long marriages like that of my parents and my marriage — is not easy. I myself have often said that if my husband leaves me a widow that I won’t marry again because I don’t like people enough to marry a second one. This is a funny lie, however, because I love people. I am just extremely unsure that I could successfully match myself to a second one.

Taken for Granted Goes Both Ways

The number one reason driving divorce does not seem to be money or even cheating per se. I think it boils down to a lack of gratitude. For a long time, women in the industrialized West have been taken for granted. I coined the term etheric labor a few years ago to refer to the kind of mundane work both women and men do to keep a household up, running, and functional. Women tend to take on the lion’s share of basic etheric labor (think of it as a fancy term for housework) like cleaning, cooking, laundry, tidying, and decorating. Men tend to take on less frequent but equally crucial tasks like home repair, remodeling, and maintenance.

The TV and movie tropes of the last seventy five years led us to believe women’s work was replaceable and invisible. We are a long way from Disney’s Great Depression era Snow White, who cleaned up the seven dwarfs’ homestead in hopes they would put her in the role of house mother and allow her to stay. By the 1960s, Star Trek suggested that one day all cooking would be done by a replicator. The 1990s featured romantic comedies with sets by Nancy Meyers where characters wallowed in luxury. No character was ever seen tidying or cleaning the palatial, upper middle class rooms; that seemed to happen on its own. By 2016, Disney put out the animated film Sing!, which featured Rosita, an anthropomorphic pig with 25 children. In order to secretly audition for a singing contest behind her husband’s back and spend entire days away from home, Rosita constructs an array of clever machines to feed, diaper, and soothe her brood of piglets. If only it were that easy!

When a woman’s work is seen as soulless and essentially replaceable by unseen hands, hired help, or an array of machines, women feel taken for granted. Thanks to mass media of the types mentioned above, women have felt under-appreciated for nearly a hundred years. This kind of sentiment has built a powerful astral pyramid with nearly overwhelming gravity. Legions of women are remaining single after being married and bearing children or after being widowed because of this pyramid’s gravity. Many on the younger side are choosing never to marry or procreate at all.

The Marriage Trap

The old stereotype was to depict men as being reluctant to marry. Once the woman got the man to “put a ring on it” he was now settled into a role of long-suffering victimhood with the wife in the role of parasite to his host. In the television series of the 1950s, 60s and 70s, he was Ralph Kramden of the Honeymooners or Archie Bunker of All in the Family. The 80s and 90s brought Married With Children, with Al Bundy dreaming of a harem of suppliant blondes who looked suspiciously like his daughter. The Man Show and Sex and the City perpetuated kissing-cousin versions of the recalcitrant male stereotype. The pilot episode of Sex in the City featured women complaining they could not get a man to commit because they were considered well past their prime by the age of 41. The Man Show had its infamous Girls Jumping on Trampolines, with the girls in question being twenty-something young women wearing flimsy undergarments to the chagrin of cuckolded, age 35+ wives everywhere.

To say a great deal of resentment was built in women over the years due to these kinds of images would be a monumental understatement. Women are officially fed up, and they are slyly laughing now that the tables are turned and men are begging not to be left to age and die alone. Now look who is discarded because he is no longer youthful and vibrant! Why should a woman marry herself off at age 50, they ask, after a largely thankless couple of decades raising children and cleaning the house of men who never truly saw them? Why should they feel any obligation to provide for a sick and ailing man who wants a mommy but cannot afford to hire one? In this age of women being forced into provider roles with no attendant relief from housework, why on Earth would any “girl” take the sickliest and neediest of passengers aboard her sailboat if it wasn’t at literal gunpoint?

For some, there is no reason good enough to fall back into the marriage trap. My grandmother was widowed before she was 40 and she never remarried. She lived alone in a condo for the 15 years I was blessed with knowing her. I can understand the charm. If she hadn’t smoked two packs a day, her sunny, one-bedroom apartment would have been paradise: clean, compact, and orderly with no yard to worry about and a darling porch overlooking a lovely park with a lake. When I was nine, I envisioned a perpetually single existence for myself living in a condominium a hundred feet from the library. In this idyllic fantasy, I had a well-paying job in downtown Chicago as a typist/secretary. I came home to one or two cats and sipped tea among my books and houseplants. A man was not a part of the picture. Then puberty and the non-fantasy economy happened and that all went sideways.

The question I ask of myself is how my wonderful apartment fantasy would have worked in old age? Maybe quite well. I will never know. From what I have seen, not all elderly female singlehood ends as well as my grandmother, who died in a doctor’s office at the age of 79. She was gone in a flash due to a massive heart attack. She never suffered nursing home internment. I stopped taking my music students to play and sing in assisted living facilities because no matter how “nice” the facility, the student performers were beset with an array of pleas to “go home” solely from old, confused female residents. The sadness and despair of assisted living facilities reminded me of the foul, septic vibe of the casino where my husband used to work. Both had the palpable aura of desperation and tragic, lost gambles.

What’s Good For the Goose…

The reaction to a huge astral pyramid that glorified single men at the expense of older women has now created its predictable mirror in a huge astral pyramid that glorifies single women at the expense of older men. Now instead of Archie Bunker, we have Barbie, who carefully avoids her abusive, incompetent, stupid Ken. Or we have the now-cancelled Star Wars series The Acolyte, which featured lesbian space witches who did not need men to procreate. This is not better; it’s actually more of the same. It’s like a novella where the same crew of actors switches roles. The same YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT narrative is the punchline and fundamentally nothing has changed.

I will likely catch hell for this, but I think we should stick together more are stay committed to our marriages and family relationships. Of course there are copious amounts of exceptions: sometimes we truly marry (and have children with) the wrong person. Sometimes the husband truly ought to be kicked to the curb. My aunt was married to a raging gambler who later killed himself in a motorcycle accident and my friend was married to a non-functional alcoholic.

Everyone ultimately dies alone, and this reality was directly stated in the viral Get Ready With Me Video. Nevertheless, it’s decidedly more pleasant to go that final leg before actual physical death in the company of loved ones. The saddest kind of elderly death is the one where there is nobody to care or mourn. Freaking elephants have the sense to mourn and gather around their dead, for heaven’s sake, and we as “smart” humans should be able to figure it out.

Maybe Trying a New Strategy

Some of the women gloating over their modern singlehood may not be seeing the big picture. My mother had bouts of disease during her 56 year marriage to my father that occasionally rendered her incapable of taking care of herself. My father always swooped to the rescue. The “in sickness and in health” part of marriage vows should probably be emphasized more.

I think I have enough married experience to say the only way to keep a marriage sane and healthy is to focus on the positive with at least three times the force that one focuses upon the negative. The negative exists and there is nothing wrong with that. Hiding it or burying it is counterproductive because it needs to be recognized as part of life. That said, the negative cannot be a primary focus in any relationship because it is a Wendigo and it will destroy that relationship. When I am angry at my husband for one of his many faults, I try to make an often-impossible seeming effort to recognize three or more of his good traits or deeds. The reason I do this is because I too have flaws and faults, but I would rather be recognized and seen for my strengths and not my weaknesses. I must be the change I want to see in the world, and in my case that does not involve changing my man or kicking him to the curb. It involves recognizing the good and amplifying it by being thankful for it.

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I've been married seven years and dated my wife four years before that. We see eye-to-eye on big issues, but I think the biggest source of success for us is feeling and especially expressing gratitude for one another on a regular basis, and being willing to compromise.

You're right that we're seeing a swing from one extreme to the other, and I hope that society can settle down somewhere in the middle where men and women recognize the value each brings to the other, and people maybe learn to curb their expectations a little. We've been promised the universe (the promises get bigger with time it seems), and that makes real life seem a bit of a letdown in comparison.

Tim PW

I analogized that it was a novella with a rotating cast and the same tired theme, but perhaps a more accurate analogy is that it is a gender-swapped live action remake. Dying alone isn't all it is cracked up to be and I sincerely hope I do not do it. As a childless woman, I can confidently say I will happily disappear down a lonely trail in hopes of getting eaten by a bear or trampled by a moose before I will ever beg for change or go into a nursing home.

As a single, childless middle aged woman I agree. I would walk, or crawl, or somehow drag myself into the wood to die of exposure rather than submit to a nursing home.

Yep. I will never commit my mother to any nursing facility voluntarily as long as I live. I have told her as much.

Thanks for this. I've watched some mid-20th century humor where a man ragging on his wife for no reason was a stock character. I've never been able to enjoy that kind of humor, I can't imagine saying (or even privately thinking) the things they say about their wives to mine. I just don't see the humor in it.

MIL humor makes more sense, although I've always thought very highly of my MIL.

During the brief time he had a salary class job, my husband had a bunch of toxic male co-workers who were always ragging on their wives. Several of them were also cheating on their wives, either with female co-workers, old acquaintances, or actual prostitutes.

Kimberly, yes, as JMG would say, this is definitely a case of “the opposite of a bad idea is another really bad idea”. And here we are.

Anyway, I’m definitely with you re: erring on the side of caution when comes to marriage over single life. I tend to think that marriage is one of the primary and necessary challenges for the incarnating human soul; the astrological 7th house (house of marriage, partnership) is, following the ego-building and individuation processes of houses 1-6, the soul’s first introduction to interaction, negotiation, collectivity, sacrifice for others, etc. I mean, it’s a spiritual necessity for all people, at least at some point in their arc upwards.

Somewhere I read about discarnate spirit, a guy who while he was corporeal kept putting off marriage life after life just because he didn’t want to accept the responsibility, having too much fun without it, you know …. so his guardian spirits had it so arranged that he found himself married in the upper planes and for a lengthy duration. I can see it happening.

Not good that there is this current across-the-board animosity towards marriage, for obvious reasons.

best,
Will M

Interesting! I will study my 7th house with renewed interest.

Of course I could be extremely wrong, but I think the karma of divorce may include being married to your ex (or someone extremely similar to him or her) in a future life. I believe one of my school friends was my estranged spouse in a previous life, and that is why I felt stuck with that person for so long in this one. People who marry multiple times don't understand they actually ARE taking vows for an entire lifetime until death do they part. The sinister part is that the agreement does not specify in which lifetime you will serve out the terms.

Kimberly, yes, you wanna check the planets, if any, in the 7th house, the rulership of the 7th and where that planet is, any planets in Libra or what house has ♎️ on the cusp, the aspects, etc. Gives you a pretty good idea on what your relational challenges in this life are. A synastry chart can also be enlightening - that’s a you and your partner composite chart, shows the way your partnership can manifest in the world, for better or ill.

I don’t know if divorce need necessarily bring karma down on heads, tho I don’t doubt that it does about 99% of the time. But it does seem to me it’s possible both people in a marriage or long-lasting relationship can resolve the karma that bound them for a time, then amicably move on to other relationships … which then can become more honest, much less fraught with drama, maybe even carefree, and all strictly by choice, not karmic demand. But I imagine they always serve the purpose of an ongoing *individual* transcendence.

Yeah, that’s a bit idealistic sounding, but I think that’s really how it goes in the fullness of time. - wm

Can you get in touch with me at ksteelestudio at gmail dot com? I am interested in discussing some of the deeper aspects of astrology with you.

Sure, will do.

wm.

The surest sign of mediocrity is complaining constantly that the opposite sex is composed of mediocrities. It's true, but any person of quality has enough self awareness to understand both that they are not an exception to that rule, and that many complaints about it makes one into a resentful clown. More than the actual, tangible flaws that people have, it is this blank lack of self awareness that really drives one mad. The actual brutal truth is that men tend towards being cynical lechers, lazy, and egoistically arrogant, and and women are often emotionally delusional, sanctimoniously arrogant, and manipulatively ruthless. Both sexes need to be beaten, shamed, and shanghaied together in order to make a stable foundation for children and the possibility of real, non-horomonal love. That twittering, nagging harridan or icky lazy slob of a man? Deal with them. You're no better, and possibly worse. The very appallingness of their flaws is what makes love possible; to feel good about a picture perfect mate isn't love, it's arousal or mental masturbation. Love is towards a heart and soul in all their luminous oddness, not a hunk of appetizing flesh that makes socially acceptable grunts in front of other up jumped apes.

"to feel good about a picture perfect mate isn't love, it's arousal or mental masturbation." This 100%. For men, porn is the ultimate feel-good substitute for connection and meaning. For women, it's either porn or for those who aren't into porn, novels and fan fiction. When the real world inevitably fails to live up to the addictive, prefabricated ideal, the easy answer is to get a divorce.

Yep, Meatworld is harsh and difficult, and there's no way around that except to help one another through this life's trials. And that is probably exactly why our Higher Selves decided to manifest incarnations here.

Independence can be highly overrated when it's "I am a rock, I am an island!" One particularly fatuous and tragic belief is when people presume having lots of money will somehow save them from a terrifying, isolated, and decrepit old age.

Interesting, I've seen more than a few snippets of women on TikTok blabbing about something while either putting on makeup or sitting in their cars. The impression I usually get is that they made a series of bad life choices and are now rationalizing those bad choices to strangers on the internet. Some of it even seems like a subconscious desire to rope other women into making those same bad choices, effectively dragging down down to their miserable level. Hey, if she can't have it, then no one can!

On marriage, I pretty much think the Boomers killed it; at least the sort of ghastly personalities shaped by the bonanza of technological/material abundance that fell right into their laps as they came of age. Marriage went from being about self-sacrifice (for children and community) and compromise to being a (yet another) form of self-expression and ego-gratification. A modern-day hedonist doesn't even need marriage anyway, as the welfare state and legal regime will always pick up the slack when the going gets tough.

Today's "marriage" is by-and-large complete nonsense and almost totally unmoored from any lived tradition where marriage actually mattered and was a necessity for a functional social order. Instead, its shaped by deranged hollywood fairy tales and other pop-culture and mass media nonsense. Instead of wise family elders, we now have the boob tube (and now social media) telling people who they should marry and why or why not; almost all of it being terrible advice that's divorced from reality.

Of course, all of this insanity will come to a crashing halt the day the welfare state and and government regulatory regime collapses, which will probably be the same day the government prints one trillion too many fake dollars. Men and women will suddenly need each other once again, and neighbors will have to become well-acquainted once again. The moment cops stop getting regular paychecks is the moment the evil bureaucratic contrivances like the family court system dies. I do wonder what will be the fate of divorce lawyers in this scenario; who will protect their McMansions from roving bandits?

It's no coincidence that the rise of the psychiatric industry began with Boomers. It's also no coincidence that Boomers were the first generation to warehouse their own parents in nursing homes and assisted living facilities. They did not want to be reminded of what sanity used to look like.

I find it interesting that Venezuelan gangs have been the first to find some buildings and squat in them. They are doing this in Aurora, Colorado. The police are doing nothing about it because Tren de Aragua has threatened their families (and would likely go through with those threats). At this time, they have taken two apartment buildings and a Target. I wonder at what point in this overpriced housing market that people will see that squatting isn't so hard -- you just have to have a gang willing to threaten and bring violence to the families of bureaucrats and law enforcement that gets in your way. I also wonder what Trump will do about the Aurora, CO situation if he becomes president again.

There's lots of squatting happening in LA too, particularly in empty homes that are for sale. There are even people that can be hired who have figured out clever ways to get squatters out. I just shake my head at all if this chaos.

Yikes. My husband is a locksmith and a good number of the calls he gets are people trying to scam him into changing the locks so they can squat and take over a property.

Hi Kimberly,
Thank you for this. As a woman who has remained single and childless as I approach 60, I resonate with a lot of what you shared. A dear friend of mine shared with me that when she was dating in her 50s, she was looking for a man who had the capacity to be happy. She met and married a man with that capacity and now as he declines while she remains healthy (he's 10 years older), they remain happy together in spite of the challenges.

I particularly appreciated you sharing your capacity to focus on amplifying what's good about your partner. It reminds of JMG's constant reminder to focus on what we want and pay no attention to what we don't want, much harder in the close confines of a primary relationship.

This piece also reminded me of the importance of heartful praise and gratitude in any relationship. Not the manipulative kind. The heartfelt kind.

"a man with the capacity to be happy" That hits the nail on the head, I think. This statement is profound. Most people lack the capacity or the willingness to be happy... at all. I used to lack it. Without regular spiritual practice, the collective astral is too grubby for any one soul to thrive. You get drug down into the muck if you don't have prayer, banishing rituals, meditation, and divination in place.

It's not that anyone can or should be happy all the time. Plus, happiness that comes from unearned wealth or the satisfaction of spiteful urges should be avoided at all costs. Or happiness that comes from the false transcendence afforded by drugs, alcohol, and other addictions should be avoided. The kind of real happiness that comes from being guided by gods is mostly missing from our human world right now. Let's say a man or a woman gets the mate they supposedly craved and wanted. They will still be sad and lonely because they are not grateful for anything. Once the thrill of the chase is gone and the marriage is cemented, without gratitude, it is just another prison.

"The kind of real happiness that comes from being guided by gods is mostly missing from our human world right now."

Yes! I am very new to this journey, and now that I feel a little more grounded in my new daily practices, I'm starting to feel excited by the process and experience of being guided by gods.

I think the last time there was a strong divine presence in most people's everyday lives in the West was the early medieval period. I cannot speak to what has happened in the East because as far as I know, all of the incarnations I can remember have been either European or American.

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