I'm willing to entertain the idea that there may be some tiny fraction of the population for whom poly is workable. But every time I read even the most sympathetic account of such a relationship, it looks like a sad, slow-motion breakup. I hope that's a skewed result based on functional people not talking about their intimate relationships with journalists, but have no evidence of it.
We, too, have availed ourselves of various family-dependent living arrangements over a decade of married life, for financial reasons. If we'd opted out of kids, we could have struggled along independently, but we had other priorities, and both his family and mine were willing to subsidize us for the sake of having grandkids, and having them nearby.
This is one thing I think many people do not understand about next-level family: kin networks: there is a sort of unspoken modern American ideal of total independence, moving wherever the good jobs are, not being "tied down"... but if we're honest, most of us don't belong to the class of people for whom that works. I'm not even sure it works for the people who DO it. Are they happy? How many people really *want* to move to another city every three to five years, in pursuit of a better job/lifestyle/whatever? Most people don't get a lot of fulfillment from their jobs, and most people don't make that much money. If you move every three years, and your kids do the same, nobody visits you when you're old. This kind of independence impoverishes us.
For the rest of us... wealth isn't money. It's connection. People. Who you know, and to whom you are mutually indebted. It's how many people you have in your life who will drop everything and come get you, if you call them from the roadside where your car just died. It's... my diabetes got hard to manage in my last pregnancy. Needed some indoor exercise equipment. Put out the word with the family... two days later, we rented a uhaul and retrieved a nice elliptical machine from my second-cousin's garage, where it had been gathering dust. The value of that is... what? If we sat down and calculated all the months of rent-free housing, all the home repairs, car repairs, rides, child care, hand-me-down clothes, random stuff (oh, hey, do you want this chest freezer?)... we'd go up a tax bracket or two. And in return, we're there for others when they call on us. Sometimes that means throwing the kids in the car right at bedtime to go pick someone up. This year it means having an extra kid staying with us for the summer. It means I always have a pre-cooked dinner or three stowed in the freezer, that can be warmed up in twenty minutes to feed family members who happen to drop by.
Technically, our income hovers around the poverty line, but we are resource-rich and want for nothing :)
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We, too, have availed ourselves of various family-dependent living arrangements over a decade of married life, for financial reasons. If we'd opted out of kids, we could have struggled along independently, but we had other priorities, and both his family and mine were willing to subsidize us for the sake of having grandkids, and having them nearby.
This is one thing I think many people do not understand about next-level family: kin networks: there is a sort of unspoken modern American ideal of total independence, moving wherever the good jobs are, not being "tied down"... but if we're honest, most of us don't belong to the class of people for whom that works. I'm not even sure it works for the people who DO it. Are they happy? How many people really *want* to move to another city every three to five years, in pursuit of a better job/lifestyle/whatever? Most people don't get a lot of fulfillment from their jobs, and most people don't make that much money. If you move every three years, and your kids do the same, nobody visits you when you're old. This kind of independence impoverishes us.
For the rest of us... wealth isn't money. It's connection. People. Who you know, and to whom you are mutually indebted. It's how many people you have in your life who will drop everything and come get you, if you call them from the roadside where your car just died. It's... my diabetes got hard to manage in my last pregnancy. Needed some indoor exercise equipment. Put out the word with the family... two days later, we rented a uhaul and retrieved a nice elliptical machine from my second-cousin's garage, where it had been gathering dust. The value of that is... what? If we sat down and calculated all the months of rent-free housing, all the home repairs, car repairs, rides, child care, hand-me-down clothes, random stuff (oh, hey, do you want this chest freezer?)... we'd go up a tax bracket or two. And in return, we're there for others when they call on us. Sometimes that means throwing the kids in the car right at bedtime to go pick someone up. This year it means having an extra kid staying with us for the summer. It means I always have a pre-cooked dinner or three stowed in the freezer, that can be warmed up in twenty minutes to feed family members who happen to drop by.
Technically, our income hovers around the poverty line, but we are resource-rich and want for nothing :)